Mark Chernoff’s 20 Hard Things To do to be happy

( http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/06/11/20-hard-things-you-need-to-do-to-be-happy/ )

1. You need to take small chances
every day. – It’s the best way to
face any problem, crush every fear
and overcome life’s greatest
challenges. And you get just
about as many chances in life as
you’re willing to take. So never
let your fear decide your future.
Take small chances every day, one
step at a time. Some will work
out and some won’t.  But good
choices or bad, if you never take
these chances, someone else will
build your life for you.  And you
don’t want that.

2. You need to worry less about
what other people think of you. –
A beautiful life is about spending
your time passionately, being
happy with who you are inside,
and not worrying about
everyone’s petty judgments. If
you want to achieve greatness,
stop asking for everyone’s
approval. You don’t need
anyone’s approval to be happy or
to follow your heart.

3. You need to ignore what everyone
else is doing and achieving. –
Your life is about breaking your
own limits and outgrowing
yourself to live YOUR best life.
You are not in competition with
anyone else; plan to outdo your
past, not other people.

4. You need to invest in yourself
even when no one else is. – Truth
be told, there are only a few
people in this world who will stay
100% true to you, and YOU should
be one of them.  Prioritize your
own needs into your daily to-
do’s. Invest in your education,
health and happiness every single
day. Create a life that feels good
on the inside, not one that just
looks good on the outside to
everyone else. (Read Choose
Yourself! )

5. You need to walk the talk. – Do
not ask others or the universe to
guide your footsteps if you’re not
willing to move your feet. If you
really want it, prove it! Happiness
will come to you when it comes
from you. Success will be yours
when you take responsibility for
making your goals a top priority.

6. You need to put your heart into
your work. – Love is a verb. Act
on it.  Put your heart into goals
that move you. Work hard.  In the
end, love is what makes you smile
when you’re tired and still
struggling.

7. You need to deliver results, even
when making excuses is easier. –
NO shortcuts.  NO quick fixes. NO
blaming others. NO “I’ll do it
tomorrows.”  NO MORE EXCUSES!
Just get started. Quit talking and
begin doing! Laziness may
appear attractive, but work leads
to happiness.

8. You need to make mistakes and
look like a fool sometimes. –
Quite often, the successful people
who act the happiest are the ones
who have overcome the most.
Sometimes you have to lose
something precious in order to
gain something priceless. Never
regret your past mistakes and
failures, because they have given
you strength. The one who falls
and gets up is much stronger
than the one who never fell.

9. You need to let go of yesterday’s
struggles. – The story of your life
has many chapters. One bad
chapter doesn’t mean it’s the
end. So stop re-reading the bad
one already and turn the page.
Accept what is, let go of what was
and have faith in what could be.
Remember, life does not have to
be anywhere near perfect to be
wonderful in the end.

10. You need to refrain from feeling
sorry for yourself. – To those who
are struggling, I understand how
rough things are right now.  I just
want to let you know that things
will get better, I promise. Keep
pushing forward. I know you feel
like nobody really cares, but
you’re wrong. People care.  I
care, otherwise I wouldn’t be
writing this. You’re not alone.
We may be miles apart, but we’re
all going through similar
challenges. Realize that self-pity
is not helpful.  Life is not about
feeling sorry for yourself. It’s
about forgiveness, acceptance and
looking forward to what makes
you stronger and better off in the
long run.

11. You need to toughen up. – The
strongest, happiest, most
successful people are NOT those
who always win, but those who
don’t give up when they lose.
They fail forward. So keep calm
when everything seems to be
going wrong. You may feel weak,
but your spirit is strong. When
things are tough, you must be
tougher. Don’t pray for an easy
life; pray for the strength to
endure a hard one that leads to
long-term success and happiness.

12. You need to fight hard for what
you believe in. – Great strength
comes from overcoming what
others believe is impossible. And
sometimes you have to lose the
battle to win the war. So if you
believe strongly in something,
fight for it. In time things will fall
into place… maybe not today, but
eventually… maybe not exactly
how you planned, just how it’s
meant to be. (Angel and I discuss
this in more detail in the
“Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little
Things Happy, Successful People
Do Differently .)

13. You need to be patient. – Don’t
rush it. Practice patience. Keep
a good attitude while working
hard for what you believe in.
When the time is right, it’ll
happen.

14. You need to take control of your
thoughts before they take control
of you. –It’s often our own
thinking that hurts us.  Realize
this. You can’t solve your
problems with the same thinking
you used to create them. There’s
no reason to imprison yourself.
Don’t think outside the box.
Think like there is no box.

15. You need to be positive. –
Happiness is in the heart and
mind, not in random
circumstances. Beautiful things
happen when you distance
yourself from negative thinking.
Be positive and smile right now,
not because everything is good,
but because you can see the good
side of everything. Smiling
doesn’t always mean you’re
happy; sometimes it simply
means you’re strong. And smiling
will help you feel better.

16. You need to spend more time with
the right people. – And if you
know the people around you
aren’t the right people, you need
to change the people around you.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Don’t expect to see positive
changes in your life if you
surround yourself with negative
people. Don’t give part-time
people a full-time position in your
life.  Know your value and what
you have to offer, and never settle
for relationships that always bring
you down.

17. You need to stand up for yourself.
– Some people will do anything
for their own personal gain at the
expense of others – cut in line,
take money and property, bully
and belittle, pass guilt, etc.  Do
not accept this behavior. Do not
let people walk all over you.
Most of these people know they’re
doing the wrong thing and will
back down and apologize
surprisingly quickly when
confronted. In most social
settings people tend to keep quiet
until one person speaks up, so
SPEAK UP.

18. You need to forgive everyone who
has wronged you. – Kindness is
not to be mistaken for weakness,
nor forgiveness for acceptance.
It’s about knowing that
resentment is not on the path to
happiness. Remember, you don’t
forgive people because you’re
weak. You forgive them because
you’re strong enough to know that
people make mistakes. (Read
Loving What Is .)

19. You need to reach out and help
people. – The closest thing to
being cared for is to care for
others.  We are all in this together
and we should treat each other as
such.  Your beliefs alone don’t
make you a better person, your
behavior does. Use your voice for
kindness, your ears for
compassion, and your hands for
charity, always.  You don’t need a
reason to help someone else.

20. You need to be present enough to
enjoy your journey. – Find your
balance between planning and
presence. When life is good, enjoy
it. Don’t go looking for
something better every second.
Happiness never comes to those
who don’t appreciate what they
have.  You must be willing to
loosen your grip on the life you
have planned so you can enjoy
the life that is waiting for you in
this moment. It may not be
everything you want for your
future, but it’s everything you
need right now.

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Another Article on women’s empowerment

Meaning

Affirmative action often refers to positive and deliberate discrimination. Often discrimination of the majority in favour of the minority e.g. lower university entry points for female students than for their male counterparts.

Chimammanda Ngozi Adichie in her phenomenon speech “We Should All Be Feminists” described a feminist as a person who believed in the social ,political and economic equality of the sexes.” Women Empowerment (WE) is practical feminism, according to me.
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Imagine a world where every woman and girl can go to school,live free from violence, have the freedom to make choices of their own, and receive equal pay for the same work…
-Elisa

Chan

Constitutionally

Article 59
National Human Rights and Equality Commission mandated to facilitate gender equality.
Chapter 15
The chairman and vice of a commission shall not be of the same gender.
Chapter 5
Eliminating gender discriminatory land laws,practices and customs.
Article 91
Political parties must enforce gender equality and equity,similarly for county governments in Article 175.

The icing on the cake being Article 81
All elective and appointive positions shall be filled by not more than 2/3s of one gender.
In 2011 the high court decided that this would be achieved progressively. In parliament, the bill proposing implementation by the ‘most popular female loser’ securing a nomination to parliament has enjoyed popularity although still in its early stages.
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Challanges facing Women Empowerment
1. Social and religious Attitudes.
   – women are home makers, weak , arrogant in power, provided for etc
2. Comparatively less women in Kenya have been educated,and to the same level as most men.
   – many girls discontinue school to get married, FGM, due to early pregnancies etc.

Solutions

1. Education
2. Creation of awareness in schools, religious establishments and marginalized areas on the importance of women empowerment.

Importance of WE

1. Eradication of poverty. Half of humanity working to provide for the other half hasn’t worked thus far especially when the industrious half dies or abandons the other.

2. Bigger pool of human resource, intellectual i.e. more ideas to go around the table, more perspectives, manual etc

3. Improved quality of families.

4. Reduced gender based violence.

5. Affirmation of the humanity of women and this reduce our objectification.

How to empower women
1. Education
2.Giving of equal or equitable opportunities in the job market ,in school even at home.
3.Favourable legislation
4.Encouraging a shift in attitude in the women who feel inferior as well as in the men with similar notions.

Christianity in Relation.

Scripture especially by the apostle, and on a lighter note,life long bachelor Paul has been abused to ensure women remain in the shadows e.g. 1 Timothy 2:12, 1 Corinthians 14:34.

However let it be noted how passionate Christ himself was about ensuring that women were valued, not just respectable society women but prostitutes as well.

Normally a king was anointed by a priest and a prophet e.g. David by Samuel. Who anointed Jesus ? Check Matthew 26:6-13 and find out. Here Jesus bestows to this mama the same esteem as Samuel, as the prophet Nathan ,she is precious too.

An econimically empowered woman is found in the very description of a good wife in Proverbs 31.
We are equal before the Lord.

Conclusion

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Women empowerment has bred career ladies whose biggest problem is the balance of work and home. What is the solution? A shift in traditional gender roles in the home as well ? Is it too ambitious ?

Men by Maya

When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino
men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.
One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their
shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.
Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.
Maybe.
by Maya Angelou

Sick and Tired Kenyan

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I keep leaving the door open at night when I get back into the house from the shops. I don’t do it deliberately, my system simply refuses to acknowledge the insecurity levels in Manyatta,Kisumu. It drives my mother up the wall , several times since my return home from the land of abandon or higher education for those with purpose, I have left the door ajar and each time she has told me about my neighbour who was killed and his eyes gauged out, the order is unknown, just a day after my return… and the other one whose entire family was raped, including the young boy, by thugs. On hearing these stories, my blood runs cold and I swear never to leave the door open again but alas, the next day… the door,I believe ,by it’s own volition now,remains open,after I walk into the house and lay on my couch, the one by the window. The same window a year ago I had left open while I transnighted,not English, watching the Black Night on Ntv. A rogue had opened it wider to peep into the house to examine our wares. We were both so surprised to see each other, I ran screaming to my mother, he ran ,quietly but just as terrified, maybe more. My mother was more traumatized than I was, she flashed her sister in Mombasa to ask for more credit ,my aunt works with Safaricom you see, to call the other neighbours to … alert them maybe.

Anyway I remember there was a new year’s eve, my mom still, came home from kesha at around 1am, as my sister opened the door for her, she was escorted by a few friendly neighborhood youngsters with what looked like a gun, several clubs and pangas who took all our electronics, duvets, mats ,my school bag with all it’s contents and a china set or two.

It is comprehensible why my mother stresses on closing the door, I just can’t fathom how I could forget to do it… I am fully aware of the dangerous place we live in until it’s time to remember. This Monday however, I got into the house, took my position on my couch just as my mother stood up ,walked to the door and closed it… without saying a word. Shame made me swear to myself I will never forget it again. Yesterday night, I go into the kitchen from the shop… as I stir the pot, I hear her closing the door . How did I forget again? I feel a metre shorter, those who know me realise without that metre I’m barely existent… (short girls rule). Today I will not forget.
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Without meaning to, I had successfully fed her up, she had said,”close the door,” enough times. Everything in the house is her blood ,sweat and tears, she wasn’t going to put all these in the hands of her half wit daughter… the door had to be closed ,she wasn’t going to wait for me to get it through my skull ,the risk wasn’t worth the grudging walk to the door to do it herself.

Have ever you gotten to a point where a situation bugs you so much you do something about it? Never mind if it’s somebody else’s job or fault. Sick and tired of being sick and tired? Kenyans aren’t there yet… we are only just a little bothered by the corruption and poor leadership that plagues this country. The poor are used to it, the sick are too weak to do anything, the youth are too busy smoking,drinking and screwing, maybe get an education, maybe not, maybe pata kibarua … the girls and women too busy looking for men or struggling to keep the one’s they have, the men too busy trying to provide, trying to get something to floss about,to brag about. Who ,besides Boniface Mwangi does anything meaningful. Talk is cheap, no wonder we all do it… me included.

We are the generation, granted we continue on the self absorbed path we are on, to sink this nation to rock bottom. Most of us are hasslers, we are thirsty and ambitious, blame it on rap music. We have very little social responsiblity, and most of us claim to be realists. I hate realists… they will always reason out every evil as practical for the greater good, abortion because surely, why would you bring a child to this world to suffer… bribery,would you rather go to jail,go through the whole legal process when you can just give the policeman sh.1000 and save everyone the trouble… prostitution ,it’s to put food on my child’s table,there are no jobs. Every sin is a necessary evil in their books.

Two words never said in the same breathe are visionary and realist. Visionaries see wrong that is deep rooted in the culture and identity of a people but refuse to accept it just because that is how it has always been. Mary Wollstonecraft ,Wangare Maathai ,Joan of Arc and Catherine de Medici… all female in eras of absolute oppression for Eve, absolutely accepted and absolutely integrated oppression which they absolutely refused to be bound by. Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King ,Julius Nyerere and Kwame Nkuruma, heros… men that refused to be bowed because of colour. You need to believe that indeed corruption can be eradicated, in the plausibility of selfless leadership ,that tribalism can be done away with. Only after we accept that these challenges are not permanent can we embark on missions to deal with them, what we need is a little more Idealism, I dare say. To get to that point where what has always been can not be allowed to continue like the French revolution and the MauMau… realizing we have been backed against a wall with only one recourse… change.

One day we will be sick and tired, the york of poor leadership will no longer be bearable as we assume it is today. So oppressed will we be that a revolutionary spirit will spread like wild fire among those who the system will offend the most… it must first crush your testicles then maybe you’ll react.

Like my mother, we will realise what we stand to lose, hopefully in her wisdom, before it all goes down the drain. We will get up and close the damn door. That’s the time, sirikal nisaidie will no longer be said in a begging tone. We will demand to be attended, politicians will dread elections because it will not be a formality to legitimize the only ODM candidate in Kisumu east or the only JAP candidate in Kabete, it will be like a winnowing ground. Performance will count and manifestos will be read. Not now, the shackles and chains aren’t too tight, we are not stifled and the odour of democracy’s carcass has not suffocated us yet. The trigger moment is yet to arrive, that great injustice that will drive us mad… mad enough to stop tweeting in anger and to do something #mydressmychoice.Waswahili husema amani haipatikani ila kwa ncha ya upanga, I denounce violence, but I agree that until your space is sufficiently encroached, you might never do anything.

May they provoke us more…

(repost, share and leave a comment, encourage a sister. All my love and gratitude.)

She is more (a tribute to wonder woman)

Maybe you have heard of Helen of troy, “the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers to the ground.” They say at the very beginning of every war is a beautiful woman. By that theory this woman, the one this post is about, this lady, this soulful, charismatic,this intriguing, red hot, a little goofy, sexy awkward… at this point I say no homo , this woman is not just rare, she’s the only one of her sort. She will be the rise of a million man armies, the launch of missiles and A-bombs.
.  oh,Helen cannot hold a candle to her. So let’s take a moment and thank God that that theory is masochistic and untrue… no war today.

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Valour , great strength, great courage… in the face of it all, who else laughs when they cry besides people who need to be institutionalized and Clene… Valour : a virtue previously carried  alongside tankers and AK47s now graciously being walked by a 5’9 girl in tights, dresses and mascara. It is the size of the fight in the dog not the size of the dog in the fight. She’s a fighter, she keeps going and I’m proud of her, for always getting back up… more so for always standing your ground.

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Passion, a compelling enthusiasm, for dance, for our little friendship, for her family, her education, for common sense. We celebrate not just that you’re getting closer to your grave ( ’cause that’s what birthdays are really) but that you’ve loved and lived (ok live) for your loves… Ramah akiwa number one.

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Sagacity… a big word for wisdom. She’ll insist that she’s a blonde. She’ll always understate her intelligence yet she’ll act shrewdly. She knows that independence of mind is freedom in its realest form… she’s also a firm supporter of the “Miss Independent” campaign started by Ne-yo. A girl with a good head on her shoulders and substance in her brain. Good guts,healthy intuition and responsibility. For the best advice call/text/ whatsapp 0725****** (haha, c’mon team mafisi, it’s not that easy)

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I could go on and on about her compassion, her supportiveness, how much fun you can have around her, how open minded and spirited she is…  how she has made KU home for me,and made life more than bearable… I can’t imagine this place ,this time or any other place or any other time without the hot mess you bring along.

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Happy Birthday to the world’s number one best friend. Nakupenda sana, I admire you more and I have your back… any day, everyday… live to be a hundred if you want although I recommend sooner so you don’t suffer from weird painful old age diseases… I promise to beat you to the grave though, ndio usiniache na hawa watu wengine :p .
Baby girl God bless your mother… and your father. You’re the gift that keeps on giving.

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Worry is a down payment for a loan you might never take. (Quote by wise person)

I forget how it is to live in the moment at times. I forget what it is to appreciate the present, to indulge in it, to enjoy it,to get carried away by the little good at hand. I am a worrier. I worry that tomorrow will be like today when I don’t know the first thing about today. I lose sight of what is at hand in my pursuit of a better future.

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But from this moment I’ll live. I’ll be conscious of the present, I’ll notice and I’ll enjoy today’s fortune. Of course I’ll worry about what is to come, its in my very DNA to do so.

For those of us who carry the weight of the world on our shoulders… terminal patients of anxiety, bound by fear of the unknown, the unpredictability of the next minutes, for people like me… take a breath ,hold it… look around you and pay attention… relax, God is in control.

Be free not reckless. YOLO is no reason to sabotage your future… live for something… I cannot say this enough. This weeks message is Live In The Present even as you Prepare for The Future.

Jumbled thoughts on being yourself or speaking your mind or both… ok,just read and decide.

Thank you so much for reading and circulating Required Mentality. I love you all, I appreciate it. I’m still waiting for your own stories and opinions on the comments section.

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Happy Birthday Sandra

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Carl sent me a song early this week.(Read All About It by Emili Sande). The kind of songs they don’t make anymore. A captivating voice,moving instrumentals and a message that jump started my mind. I’ve heard it a million times now. You should hear it too. This post is a product of the 17th time I was hearing it.

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I am a chatterbox. I speak about 50 words per second on a daily average of at least 4 hours. Despite all this lip service, I also feel unheard sometimes, like nobody is listening when I talk about the important things… and when they listen, I feel misunderstood or taken too lightly. I hate speaking to certain people because of the pretences, the defences, the script reading and the censorship of the communication. I love speaking to others but only about certain things… maybe gossip, maybe music, movies, the weather ,relationships but never the news. And so I resort to empty talk and meaningless comments or observations, generic comments and stereotypical opinions. I dare not speak my mind in front of these people. I don’t bring up status quo or Sun Tzu. The sad truth is, almost everyone I know and talk to falls into this category… and for most of them I fall into it too.

There’s a self righteousness I have upheld over the years and this might explain why people around me have locked me into a narrow box. A predictable box of dos and donts. A box of expectations. What we call a reputation.  I have lived in this box and I have limited myself.  Because God forbid my pastor or my parents or people I admire or people who admire me hear that I no longer consider abortion sin (just an example people, relax). We have not yet drawn the line between reputation and character. Truth is human beings are not as open minded as we might like. We like consistency… a pattern of life of speech. We ascribe a niche to everyone not realizing that en route we are also subjected to this boundaries. A Muslim can not hold this view, a good Christian can not question this or that, a parent can’t say or even think this way about his children, a good girl cannot go there… the list is endless.

I am not questioning moral frontiers. I am merely saying they shouldn’t be chains but keys. If you feel strongly about something, you MUST not be forced to speak on the contrary because of your audience. My message today is simple, a repetition of what Graham Greene said over and over again… Believe in something and be Bold about it. Defend it. Everyone has an important input to society and it’s beyond time we heard yours. Do not be weighed down by dogma and stereotypes. In stead of struggling to be the new “weird” or “different” how about you just be “yourself.” We are actually not meant to fit in perfectly… conformity destroys independence.

It is very possible to hold on to certain beliefs very passionately even overzealously and to change the next day in light of new found knowledge or perspective or whatever. Remember Malcom X who for so long had practiced a form of Islam common in Harlem at his time . The Nation of Islam which was a religious movement based on Islam but manipulated to suit the oppressed American Negro of the 20th century. Later on travelling to Mecca on pilgrimage, he met and fell in love with the original popular Islam and embraced it. A man who was full of nothing but bile for the white man, putting them in a bunch and labelling them all racist met a group of good antiracist white people and accepted that indeed there were exceptions to every rule. He wore his new found faith and beliefs proudly ,denounced his old one. He lost good friends, he grew apart from others including Mohammed Ali whom he mentored but his true friends, his wife,they stayed. What is my point? I’m saying  you will change, you don’t have to hide behind yesterday’s clothes. You don’t have to walk a mile longer in shoes that don’t fit anymore. Yesterday’s ideas served their purpose, to get as here, but apart from the long standing Bible truths, mindset ya jana haitatufikisha mbali. The boldness of Esther has always captivated me. An unapologetically bold and courageous woman.

Speaking about the boldness of Esther reminds me of her tact. You need to say what you feel but you need to package it well. To organise your thoughts and you should avoid speaking just to spite others. I love this quote,” wise people have something to say,fools have to say something.”

It is rare that you find someone who gets it. I know. That person who understands… who you won’t have to pretend around… It is almost impossible. However, I’m just saying, it is not worth it, to hide who you are, to keep your voice unheard, to stay slouching at the back when your Idea is what could save a sinking ship.

Proudly, boldly you.

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This week we celebrate all who got back their kcse results. My cousins Linda and  Assu did us proud. One more thing, it’s my birth month.

Girl Gone Desperate.

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We have all been madly and completely into a Dan. I’ve had two of those… similar in everything, from the cool guy persona ,to the detachment from almost everything else but taking it easy, sexy intelligence and a sense of humour that just does it for the strength in my knees. Temperate men, balanced in a mild form of grey that wasn’t too good but didn’t seem bad at all.  Dan is perfect in my eyes ,save for one tiny problem… Dan always friend zones me… Damn, every time… in fact this is the best case scenario, there’s a Dan who can’t stand my guts and another who thinks I’m psychotic. Dan is cold but has his warm times. He’s generally uninterested until that one day, that one time he’ll pay attention and you will cherish it like a freaking sapphire I tell you. Here’s to the first and biggest Dan of my life.

Dan number one was the friend of a long time friend. We had been friends as children, maybe, the details are vague but I recall we went to class one or two together. The circumstances around the second meeting were some what peculiar, with a hoard of complications on his side. So it was friendship, a texting thing with conversations I always started and he always ended and I managed to blind myself to his zeal to not deal with this crazy child who took up enough of his time as it was. I confused desperation with what to me was persistence, his exhaustion with fear because in my mind ,he just preferred to not face the drama that would ensue should we be together despite the fact that he liked me. Have you ever had the kind of crush that consumes, the kind you want nothing more than for it to end, you Google and you ask around for ways to get rid of the hole in you that you’ve filled with thoughts of an abstract being to which a face you’ve given, the face of Dan. If it doesn’t go away then you start imagining things… a linger in handshakes,reading in between non existent lines , oooh and the looks, we all create meaningful looks out of nothing. Anything that hints at reciprocation. And I found a myriad… because I’m creative.

With these silly notions in my mind and invented moments ( he would look at me and I imagined we had locked eyes for more than was appropriate, and hope would blossom in my silly naïve heart) I went ahead to text him,heart beating on overdrive… “I like you.” You guessed it, it went South. Like a true gentleman, he evaded, made it look like a joke, “hehe,you’re crazy” and I was too scared to pursue the issue, so I started another conversation, maybe about our broken dvd or something just as unimportant. But I still obsessed over him. Refusing the rejection. A little bruised, a little unbelieving but a whole lot confused. I prayed that God would take the feelings away… time and time again because it hurt, a great deal, to idolize a man, to think that the man you had on a pedestal had even a slight fancy for you and then to realise, it had all been in your head, even the smile you’d thought exclusive for you. It helped that he was still the same, still the charming, all the more cuter, a tad more light hearted and just as interesting as he had been, still casual about my little outburst… okay,it didn’t help… at all. Had he been terrible, I would have shrugged, disliked him and moved on faster.

Collecting the little pride left, I toned down on the “persistence.”  Stopped with the serial texting and excuses to see him. Somehow my little obsession turned into a self finding experience. Learning the hard way that in this world it is the men who get to chose, women are just chosen, you’re lucky if you’re chosen by whoever would’ve been your choice anyway. The good thing about things we regret (the friendship that would’ve been sans my “declaration of feelings” ) we learn .

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The best part about not being chosen at times is that somebody else ,the proverbial One, will find you unspoken for  ,and chose you. And so now I’m picked out, not holding my breathe that this is the “One”(don’t tell) but hey , it felt darn good to be “chosen.”

So ladies, post in the comment section about Dan. Share with us your own Dan story… the next blog post will be about the Dan in Disguise,number 2.

Musings of a girl who loves herself, sometimes.

I do not consider myself bipolar, however I have these episodes… of extreme depression. Normally they come right after an episode of fulfillment and total self appreciation.

I don’t get it… one moment I’m feeling like the Monalisa. A beautiful, intriguing painting… a sight to behold, with a mind of its own in it’s canvas and deep soul in every streak of paint. The next moment I’m feeling like a copy of the same… a substitute of the priceless original. Trying desperately to believe in my own beauty and witt.

Consider this honestly.Does anybody else have this two seasons? Do you love yourself everyday all the time? Or do you wonder at times if there’s more to you than space and skin? And what about those episodes of self adoration? When you are aware of your flaws but it doesn’t even matter, because your strengths surpasse them, because you love every inch of yourself. Because you get it… you’re awesome… and so you smile and laugh and enjoy yourself and life untill it all feels empty again.
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I’d like to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. So please leave a comment in the section below… Thank you.

What makes a girl irresistible?

I walk into my room with Peter. He is my friend. An adequately attractive young man with a fair number of women in his life. My cousin Terry is lying on my bed. She visits from time to time.

Peter stays in the room at least half an hour in which Terry laughs on and on to nothing in particular,and  complains about her lack of a date for the weekend. I think ,how embarrassing this is, my cousin making a fool of herself to get my friend’s attention, why do girls think this works?

Imagine my shock when the following day Peter says how impressed he was by her and asks me for her number. My mouth drops to the floor first. Really? Really? That’s what they like? I think about it and realise that Terry is the one of us who has just under one hundred boyfriends, boys fighting outside her dom room for her attention, the one of us with men tripping over themselves, standing in line for her. I am prudent, reserved… lonely.

So is that what guys like… the incessant unexplainable laughter? Mindless talk? I don’t get it. The 21st Century is no place for a lady to thrive, not with the Media glorifying “bad bitches” and making them the icon of womanhood. Terry is the poster child for this Western campaign. A big behind , big boobs and a waist that is barely there. Physically she makes the cut. “Bitches” are known for their lack of loyalty… tick that box, with a dark bold marker. They’re known for drinking and getting high, playing hard to get but eventually giving it up, avoiding “broke ass niggers” like a plague and colouring their language with words like fuck, dick ,pussy… what do you know , she does all that too. Yet these diamonds in the rough still dress up and make themselves up, looking like ladies, acting coy, giggling… It dawns on me that these expectations are too high. The suicidal combination that is a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheet, in the club,in the mind, in the lingo, in the cleavage and the mini will eventually crash and burn.Why is all this confusion not only acceptable but trendy, admirable. Why is the twerk craze a thing, or was.

Remember the Cinderella days. The days when a girl was consumed by misery and low self esteem , tortured by family issues as if parents splitting was Hiroshima and could excuse everything, when the more screwed up she was, the more intriguing. Then prince charming, normally a hot older guy, rich at times, would come to her rescue. He would start by being mean to her,then slowly discover  how beautiful she was on the inside in true Jane Austen fashion. I hated this girl. She was too morose… too helpless.. she only saw herself through the eyes of a man, but at least she was not a skank ! She gave it up to him in a hotel room or his palace with rose petals on the sheets ,top that miss-bj-in-the-movie-theartre-on-the-first-date.

Then there came and still remains, he quirk star. The geek girl ,with perfect grades and bad sense of fashion. A commercialized, recreated tomboy who trips over her own shoe laces, can’t seem to get anything right, has monologues with herself or her pet (also her only friend), law abiding, bullied ,doesn’t work out, no make up ,bad hair who gets a make over and the stud finally notices her and they walk off into the sunset hand in hand. This was my favorite girl, she was a little relatable, she was cool… then she was overused and I got tired of her. The problem with her was that it took an entire make over to make her realise her worth. For this I loved Ugly Betty, she kept the glasses and the braces, at least for as far as I watched it.

Now music  , hip hop in particular, has introduced the Slut. Thanks to Nikki Minaj and Miley Cy. This new girl is at least courageous enough to admit that women also like and want sex. Only problem is, these women are chasing STDs… taking us back to the time when women were just that,sexual creatures… now women have more angles… they are sexy, but they are also smart, tough, enduring, hard workers , mothers ,doctors, pilots, scientist, lawyers, presidents, providers and even protectors. Anyway back to the skank, she has the hardest job… a body that must look a certain way ( injections and surgery have made break throughs in this area, not to mention photo Editting apps), the tedious”bad bitch” image, the illusion that “she’s got her own” (because Breezy doesn’t fuck a broke bitch) , my God … this is insane. Capitalism did this, Mao and Stalin might have had an angle.

I wish girls would grow into ladies. To be your own woman… without regarding the media as a blue print on how to behave. Not everything you do should be geared towards getting a man. Stop struggling. Instagram and Twitter shouldn’t be used as a manual to your self, to your fashion or style maybe,but never to your life. We ask what happened to chivalry? I am not  a radical feminist, I’m not proThatcher but here’s a better question what on earth happened to A Woman of Substance?